1. If, within two weeks after you’ve met, He tells you He’ll always be there for you, He is speaking the truth and you should trust Him. He’s a total catch, good for you.
2. If He’s still in a relationship when you start dating, it’s just because his soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend is a Psychotic, Manipulative Bitch who prevents Him from being a responsible grown-up and doesn’t know how to take care of his needs. He’ll change his mediocre ways for you, since you are The Right Woman.
3. If you feel the urge to pull out your hair or puke after dinner as the months of your relationship pass by, then that’s probably because of well-founded guilt and you should ask yourself: how can I take better care of His needs? Where can I improve myself?
4. If He acts violently because you looked into the eyes of the cashier at the movie theatre for too long when you were paying for your popcorn, it’s because of your unconscious but overtly flirty behavior. Work on not looking into men’s eyes for longer than two seconds, ever. Just to be safe.
5. If He prevents you from leaving the room by physically blocking the door, accept that He’s just trying to protect you from yourself. Do you really want to walk around the neighbourhood crying, angry, black-eyed and grasping for air like an Overreacting Hysterical Woman?
6. If He tries to end the conversation by strangling you until all air has left your lungs, it’s just because you used that annoyingly high pitched voice again, the one that used to drive your brother crazy as well. Just remember to speak in a different voice.
7. If He breaks up with you at the drop of a hat, meanwhile insisting heavily on staying a part of your life only never to be in touch with you again, don’t be a Hysterical Bitch and call him to make Him accountable for his behavior. You obviously did something to aggitate Him. Maybe you breathed too loudly or chewed too slowly, I don’t know. Figure it out.
8. If He then walks back into your life after a six-month silent treatment, let Him back in right away. He’s sure to have figured out what you’ve been doing wrong in relation to Him and in life in general. Listen to His advice. Straighten up. Be better. Ask for Forgiveness.
9. Straighten up. Be better. Ask for Forgiveness.
10. Straighten up. Be better. Ask for Forgiveness.
